A discussion on Facebook and my recent experience in a
media debate about reparative therapy made me think about why most Christians
hardly know any gays.
For many years thought I was the only gay Christian. I
simply did not know any other people struggling with the feelings I was
struggling with. You see the problem in the church is that we do not know many
gays. We often only know them from a distance. In that case our perception is
often colored by our preconceived ideas, about what we heard. To be very honest
even though I knew for quite a while that I was 'different' I had the same
ideas about other gays as most of my fellow Christians. Gays were the kind of
people who had no limits, were just following their feelings and lusts, had
unlimited sex-partners and would have sex at the drop of a hat. And gays could
not be Christians and Christians could not be gay. Then I got to know some.
I still remember the first time I went to the
birthday-party of a friend who lived with his partner for a couple of years by
that time. He used to be actively involved in a Pentecostal church close to
where I lived by the way. I went to his party, curious about what I would
encounter. I was also a bit scarred that I was doing the wrong thing. What if I
would be tempted to do something I shouldn't. But he was a friend who listened
to me in my struggles. And I had to, I wanted to. I wanted to know if there was
perhaps anyone else in the world that would understand what I was going
through, the pain I was feeling. Not just telling me so, but someone who would
really understand. Well, there wasn't. You know why? None of the people I met
was struggling with themselves being gay, in fact all the people I met at the
party were actually pretty normal. They talked about their work, talked about
the politics of the past election, about a new job, about the weather. When
they heard what I was doing, one of them told me about his experience with a
Christian colleague. When she heard that he was gay, she said something about
getting healed. He said: Healed from what? I am not sick. I had a hard time
trying to explain to him why some Christians think like that. But apart from
this incident, when I went home I had to think: "Actually I haven't been to
such a 'normal' party outside of the Christian circles I spent all my time
in".
When a few years later I got to know the stories of some
Christian gays, I heard very different things. Some of them were convinced that
they were not supposed to have a relationship and tried to stay celibate.
Others were thinking that they could have a relationship but were often still
wrestling with God, and those verses from time to time. Some gave up hope
thinking: "Since I am already going to hell, I can just as well take the scenic
route". I remember the emotional words of a man at a meeting about the
subject. He came from a strict Reformed background and said, while shaking with
emotion: "I tried for 35 years, I can't anymore. If God really thinks this
is so important, it is His turn now. I cannot anymore..." I heard many
heartbreaking stories of people who told about their struggles to accept
themselves and get accepted in the church. Many just gave it up. And in giving
up their church, or in being given up by their church, lost the only support
group they had. But these stories are never heard in church.
Meeting other gays, I also heard other stories never told
in church. I met people who found a love of their life. People who have been
together for 11, 17, 23 years. People who make coffee in the morning, go to
church together. In fact one of them, a wonderful guy with a true pastoral
heart just moved to another church after pastoring his church for a number of
years. I heard from someone in that church that the people are quite sorry that
he and his husband left, because he was such a good pastor. I know another
couple who have been together for 23 years. Still in love, still monogamous.
Last year I ate dinner with a friend and four lesbian couples in a nice
restaurant. I was reluctant at first, confronted by all my stereotype idea's
about lesbians. What a night we had. What warm and wonderful people, what love.
But I realize that many Christians would rather have me tell that I noticed
that they were all somehow struggling with something.
The sad thing, is that most of my fellow Christians do
not think about such people when they think about gays. They think about
threats to their families and their way of life, just like I used to think
about black people as dangerous and uncivilized when I was growing up in
South-Africa under apartheid. Once I got to really know some black people, I
was surprised to meet loving and intelligent people, people who enriched my
life through their unique gifts and characteristics. In fact, eventually I
forgot that they were black.
The sad thing is that when it comes to LGBT's we have
created a church apartheid. We accept those gays who 'get healed' and married
to someone from the opposite sex. If they are doing well, we ask them to give
their testimonies. And we rejoice and say amen. Or if they struggle, we comfort
them with a place in heaven where it will all be ok, just like the slaves in
the American South were comforted with the 'sweet by and by'. We tell them they
are welcome to visit anytime. And we really mean it, mean it well. But is that
really what you want to do all the time? Barging in on another family? Hopping
from the one, then to the other, never being just really at home.
As for those who do not manage one of these two
categories, we have no place for him. If he or she does not get kicked out,
they get gossiped or judged out. And when they leave we shake our heads about
another person who 'chose to follow his own feelings instead of Christ'.
Perhaps we are sad. But we quickly forget. That is why the only gays we know
are ones who tell about the change in their lives or the ones who struggle, but
at least they are doing it for Jesus, and we comfort ourselves with the idea
that He will reward them. As for the rest...well we of course we love them, but
we hate their sin. And since we hate their sin so much, we never get very close
to any of them. For fear of contamination or just because we do not really
care. Not knowing too many gays, helps us to keep saying the harsh things that
makes them stay secret or leave.
And most
gays do not know any loving Christians. Perhaps that is why so many of them are
so anti-Christian...or are they?
